"Doctor: "Yeah well that's the exit. Because it scares their dogs. The first rule of the Alzheimers club is Wait, where are we again? That's because a short one-liner or silly knock-knock joke is almost always guaranteed to inspire a chuckle or two if not a full-on belly laugh from friends and family. A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. Just lock him up in a gulag somewhere & accidentally on purpose lose the key to his holding cell. Because it saw the salad dressing, of course. It's very sensitive! 144. What breaks when you speak? It was tired of being pushed around. "Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. "God said, "Sure, just a second. Nobody knows. I'll never forget my dad's face when I gave him his 50th birthday card, tears in his eyes, as he said to me, 'One . By its bark. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. , A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. Wondering what is was for, he joined it. He also gets whacked and sent back to his room, crying. Why did the man cut his camping trip short? It wanted to improve its website. 249. They are worth a good eye roll from them! Cattle-logs. 5) "Nowadays, comedians tell the news and the media tells the jokes.". Funeral director, "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem. A desserter. What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? 18 Why do birds fly over trailer parks upside down? The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. He threatened the manager by saying, "If you try to do anything smart, you're fiction." How do you make a pool table laugh? As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. 239. Because its so cool. Guac and roll! Curses! !Man, that sentence was way too long. Why are the Irish so wealthy? What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. Why cant male ants sink? Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? 126. A swordfish! Market research. How do you get Pikachu on a bus? "30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM. It's too far to walk. "The farmer didn't answer. 70. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. 300. "The vendor replies, "Change comes from within.". A big moron and a little moron were standing on a cliff. We love funny jokes for kids! Talk is cheap? Because nothing gets under their skin. ", My boss was honest with me today. 9 / 75 Photo: Nicole Fornabaio/RD.com Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? They rummage around in the trunk, and eventually walk back over to the man holding a spray bottle. Never mind, its over your head. Blew. They would thank you. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.This must be a mistake, the man says. The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. But if the adult jokes are good, they're really good. The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?! 54. Its your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about its been collecting dirt on you for years. Why was the math book sad? The Penultimate Warrior! What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? Let us know what you think! Which month do trees dislike? What do you call a woman with one leg? Only this year Im gonna do it different. 5 After a few hours, the house painters came back for the payment as their work was complete. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone. What do you call ticks in space? What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. What do skateboarders do when theyre really talented? 43. You know that candy that has a funny joke printed on each wrapper. A stick. Because it was soda pressing. Where do birds invest their money? says the wife. Because he used up all his cache. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? What did one pen say to the other? He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. All it was doing was collecting dust. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot? The boy takes the quarters and leaves. The police officer gets out of his car and approaches the window of the Muslim mans car. Knock! The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town? A meow-tain. IHOP. I'm a congressman.". I want some motherf***ing pancakes!, The first boy exclaimed. @gmail.com: When the Internet stops working, you try rebooting the router before calling a family member for help. A refrigerator. Then logically speaking you have a house. If she wasnt good enough for her own family, then she isnt good enough for ours.. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. Prime mates. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.I want to go home, says the first friend. When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, "Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? 80. 169. Required fields are marked *. I bought an automatic shovel. 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It lost its filling. 2. So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. Why couldnt the pony sing? - The wheels, because they are always tired. 135. Because it had so many problems. What did the snail who was riding on the turtle's back say? Why do bees have sticky hair? How do you make a tissue dance? What part of the car is the laziest? What did one plate say to the other? Yet, sometimes, the need arises for something longer, more along the lines of a funny story. At the North Pole. A starfish! Fish and ships. 214. "Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance. The genie grants her wish.I want to go home, too, says the second friend. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on? A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. ", My nagging wife died suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem. He picks it up and starts crying, thinking hes a horrible person. Because people are dying to get in. He couldnt see himself doing it. 124. 123. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. Here's what your email address says about your computer skills: Own domain (e.g., @methodshop.com): You're skilled and capable. ": 40 Hilarious Before-And-After Pictures, As Shared By These Women With A Sense Of Humor (New Pics), I Felt So Shaken Up: Woman Leaves Family Trip After Eavesdropping On Husbands Conversation With Mother-In-Law, AITA? @hotmail.com: You still think that MySpace is hip. What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? ", Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper? It's hard to suppress the giggles after hearing a cheesy joke. Funny Short Jokes This is what happens when thousands of people come together and share their funniest short jokes. Lawsuits. Female, because it doesnt let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion. Then why not share them with your friends? The big moron fell off. 220. Dj brew. 179. I wonder how deep it is., The second hunter says, I dont know, lets throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom., The first hunter says, Theres this old pickup transmission here, give me a hand and well throw it in and see.. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. These jokes may be corny, but that doesn't mean they won't make you laugh. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. How does a penguin build his house? 1. It was framed. We have lots of holiday-specific jokes, too, including Christmas jokes, New Year's jokes, Thanksgiving jokes, Halloween jokes, Easter jokes, Father's Day jokes and Valentine's Day. Where do young trees go to learn? 128. Laugh at 25 really funny redneck jokes. ""Yeah, it's been a rough day," says the bartender, "What are you drinking? Why did the shopping cart go to therapy? It was below sea level. Why did the painting go to jail? How's the water?". The Desperado swears, steps back into the bar, and fires a round. At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. 3. What is an astronauts favorite key on a keyboard? 45. Women's Funny Dreadlocks Quotes dresses designed and sold by independent artists. "A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right. "A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! A soccer match. An Envelope. After an intense day of Googling and scrolling, he likes to lose himself in League of Legends or make a couple pretzels while practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. 162. The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! How do you drown a hipster? I want some motherf***ing pancakes!, the second boy said. A cornfield. ", A food critic visits a local restaurant to review its food for the town magazine. Whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? 19 Whats the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? What do you call it when you walk into a cafe youre sure youve been to before? I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Because he was always spotted. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. "God said yes.The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny? We finally asked the son where his father was. Maybe it is because they are the easiest funny jokes to tell friends. Wheeeee! 181. Who eats snails? The Big MacKerel! Foil again!. 46. 39. Why did the tree go to the dentist? I aint never seen nuthinlike that in my entire life, I aint got no idear what it is.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'humoropedia_com-netboard-1','ezslot_22',625,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-netboard-1-0'); While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. 221. A gummy bear. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way. What kind of fish loves going to battle? 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Redneck cousin says I dont know, but I sure as HELL dont want any motherf***ing pancakes!. She was having a dry spell. A brick. A URLologist. "The other two continue to swim in silence for a little while, until the first one turns to the other and asks, "What the hell is water? 142. Ketchup. What happened when the computer fell on the floor? For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. But, somehow he couldn't find him anywhere. Arrrrgh-entina! Which holiday do cows enjoy most? The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change? To get to the bottom. He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. Wrong. Address! We're closed!" Guess customers will have to go the DIY way. The mosquito replied, "Yeah, I know. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? The past, present and future walked into a bar. In case she needed to draw blood. Where do hamburgers go dancing? What do you call a beehive without an exit? Choose from A-line dresses in sizes XXS-4XL and T-shirt dresses in sizes XS-XXL. The Dreadful Diva. Then it dawned on me. How do you tell if a vampire is sick? 208. You look drunk. 151. A tomato in an elevator. Linas is a SEO List Curator at Bored Panda with a bachelor's degree in Communication & Digital Marketing. 121. I think Im going to go to college.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_4',618,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_5',618,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2-0_1');.large-leaderboard-2-multi-618{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:7px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:7px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:250px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}. The thief replied: "In that case, give me my money.". We didn't really give it much thought until my brother really started eating his homework for dinner. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? If you cant find a date! In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? Funny Dirty Jokes for Adults 21. 285. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! If you need a hilarious joke about animals - there are at least a couple of those in here. Why should you knock on the refrigerator before opening the door? Now I know I can handle the bad news. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.". Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. ""I wasn't," he replied. 100 Best Dark Humor Jokes 1. 254. A woman walked up to a little old redneck rocking in a chair on his porch. A towel. "Me: "Ship her home. Hello, 2023! 163. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on? They turn around to see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, jump in head first.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'humoropedia_com-narrow-sky-2','ezslot_21',627,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-narrow-sky-2-0'); While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Kick off the year with a laugh (or two) by telling these hilarious New Year's jokes. Because theyre always stuffed! Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. 98. The judge looks sternly at the ex wife. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. Now get ready to make some memories filled with laughter with these 70 hilariously funny jokes! But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. Whats red and bad for your teeth? It just didnt work out! What do you call sad coffee? Swimming trunks. The farmer told him that he wished he were very rich. Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! What do you get when you mix a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost? they are always good for a laugh! Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today. "The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. The Muslim man is driving through a rural town in Alabama when is was pulled over by a redneck police officer. A gummy bear. 150. A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole! She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers: Please be gentle with me. Add spring water. A happy uncle. But all these years you never said a thing. 236. "A nurse tells the third man, "Congratulations! I said that it had to be the most intelligent cat ever. Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. The signature of a dad joke is that it's utterly uncool. Watching a fish bowl. Because she was a little hoarse. 131. What does a ghost wear to splash in puddles? A walk. Start writing! What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? 82. A cocker-poodle boo. Re-Morse code. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. A week later, one of these redneck farmers says . What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? Where did the music teacher leave her keys? Shutterstock A New Jersey! I can even do it with my eyes closed. "What's wrong? 283. It was ruff. 24 Why do rednecks like having sex doggy style? One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs. Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game? Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? 234. Here, the Dean said, I will give you an example, do you own a weed Wacker?if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_7',603,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_8',603,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0_1');.large-mobile-banner-1-multi-603{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:7px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:7px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:250px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}. By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up without help? "Why are you here again? What does corn say when you give it a compliment? How did the dinosaur build her house? What do you call a bear with no teeth? 15. Locs of Life. 97. After a few drinks they start talking about their wives. Take a look at this collection of jokes and have a good time! Why do oranges wear sunscreen? 25 You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. He just told me that if I wanted to get a free haircut at the barbershop, I should come with him. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you? Because when you find it, you stop looking. "Help! The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day. "My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter.". But don't worry, by the time you find it, we're sure you'll be cracking up. Then, the girl took two cookies and lied about it. Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. I can even do it with my eyes closed. What's stranger than seeing a catfish? 130. 136. 57. Before leaving they told my friend that they had enjoyed painting his car, but it is not really a Porsche. Here are 125 funny jokes for kids that will make even the most serious adult smile. 77. Igloos it together. 247. 203. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, Mother of six, I think its time to go! The wife immediately shouts back, Ill be right with you, father of four!, Two young boys had their redneck cousin over to spend the night with them. How old are you?. How can you spot a baby snake? Where do polar bears vote? 198. You could probably get a good price for your clubs. ", "Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor. When we stopped him and asked why he was doing that, he replied, "I was just trying to see how it tasted because my teacher said that the homework would be a piece of cake for me. Error occurred when generating embed. Billy Bob and Dale were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Dale, Yaw know, I reckon Im bout ready for a vacation. 266. Im a virgin.. In case they get a hole in one. 253. Pup-eroni pizza! 67. What did one hat say to the other? "Where do you live?" Your email address will not be published. 182. What do sea monsters eat? All of the fans left. Because the P is silent! My cat on my lap says she doesn't understand the joke and she would beat me in chess. People who dont like fast food! It was just gathering dust. Namaste. Why did the melon jump into the lake? "Look at it's hand. 188. "The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything has been satisfactory.". ", A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.His wife asks, "Do you know her? What do you call a bee that cant make up its mind? And then what happened? the officer interrupted. The letter V! Why are hairdressers never late for work? 224. Get me a beer! She gets very frustrated. Well except the kids, right? Why are teddy bears never hungry? 89. He wanted cold hard cash! From what I remember, Bubba said, I stood up and said, Sure, Im game.. To get his quarter back. The officer looked in the back of the mans truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?The man replied, These are my penguins. What is the difference between a teacher and a train? When he is talking to the Dean at the college, the Dean says to Jim: You will be taking 4 classes: English, Math, Science, and Logic. Whats with this? A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives. Like I said, it's been a rough day. ", asks the bartender. ""Didn't know how fast you could walk". 6) A player asked his golf coach: "What is going wrong with my game?". His father comforts him by saying: Now, now. Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A bulldozer. It held up a pair of pants. 231. A faux pa. Why did the belt go to jail? Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. Where did the music teacher leave her keys? We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. What cookie flavor do monkeys love? Do you know why the other one didnt? funny dreadlocks jokes. 261. Funny. They only have one tail. We especially love would you rather questions at dinnertime. On a road trip with the family? Eileen. I went to this haunted house for exploration. The taste, mostly. Really? Ask why the tomato blushed? 109. 226. "Help! 265. Why did the clown always choose the red balloon? Herein, we've rounded up the 50 funniest jokes that are so silly they're practically sunshine. 250. Good friends don't let you do stupid things alone. Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else, will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight! 212. 48. How do trees access the internet? A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow. Do you want to hear a construction joke? What type of flower should you not give on Valentines Day? Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Because they know all the short cuts! He was so good, I don't even. Why should you never ask a dinosaur to read a story if you are in a hurry? We did our best to bring you only the best ones. Two dragons walk into a bar. 217. There are over 200 short jokes that will keep you and your friends chucklesnorting all day! Even the cake was in tiers. Whats the worst he can do there, besides rattle the bars? The globus. The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?! Please check link and try again. 257. A buccaneer. My thermometer just broke.". 16. How much do roofs cost? "The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face. To make some dough. ""I'll have a glass of", says the bear. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend. 263. Because every play has a cast. Well my wifes so stupid, she bought us a Blu-Ray player and we dont even have a TV. He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse? ", Nah. What do you call a wrestler who always comes in second place? ""Yes," sighs the husband. Funny adjectives: queer, sick, rummy, laughable, risible, comic, odd, amusing, questionable, humourous, mirthful, suspect, shady, curious, singular, suspicious, rum, humorous, peculiar, fishy, unusual, comical, ill, strange "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.